Appearance Matters
Recently, as I was milling around the house, having a pretty average day, and I looked up and saw a beautiful woman walking my way. It was my mate. Good night! She was absolutely beautiful … and I was absolutely flabbergasted. She had just had her hair done, and it looked amazing. Now, don’t get me wrong. I always find her attractive, but seeing her all polished and made up really got my attention. I love her for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with appearance, but I also really loved it when she got all renewed.
In the early stages of a relationship, most of us make an effort to present ourselves in the most attractive light. But over time, our presentations can go stale. I admit that I am definitely not the first in line for the barber’s chair every Friday. And I don’t make a point of getting dressed up often or getting a manicure or pedicure. But after having the woman I’ve been looking at for eight years blow me away, I can now see how appearance matters … even when we are with partners who said they’ll always be there for us. And who we believe truly love us, no matter how shabby we look. That may be true, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to see us put in a little effort into our presentation every once in a while.
I am not suggesting you dress up for your partner every day. If you did, seeing you like that would become status quo. What I’m suggesting is that you be and look like yourself (however you are comfortable doing so) most of the time, but shake it up with a fresh style from time to time. I seem to be genetically predisposed to jeans and a t-shirt or sweatshirt, and I only get a haircut about once every four months, unless I have a special event to attend. But come to think of it, my lady always tells me that she likes me with a haircut when I get one. So I’ll make an effort to visit the barber shop more frequently, and I might even throw on some sharp, new duds every once in a while.
This would be a new look for me, but everybody’s “new” isn’t polished. You might wear a suit every day, so putting one on isn’t a change. However, throwing on some jeans might get you a double-take. Or, maybe you wear your long hair up most of the time. Try letting it down or getting a new style. Bottom line: Shake it up. That extra sparkle when your partner looks at you might be worth it.
This is not an invitation to tell your partner to groom. Nope, that is hardly the spirit of my message. This realization about myself came from appreciating my mate. If she had said to me, “Hey, you look like crap. Go clean yourself up,” looking nice for her would have been the last thing I wanted to do. If you want your partner to go the extra or another mile, I suggest subtle, positive reinforcement. Be sure to show your appreciation when he shaves, or when she puts on a dress that makes you want to take it off. Simply say, Wow!!! You look great.” If your partner read or watched this, he/she will have a good idea what to do next. If not, a desire to hear you say it again might inspire a little more effort in the future.
Keep Rising,
Frank Love
www.FrankLove.com
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Leave a Comment: Let Us Know Your Thoughts
April 30th, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Thanks for the reminder, bro!
May 1st, 2012 at 11:06 am
Hi Frank – Makes sense to me, especially at this phase of my life. Having been an obese child one of my defense mechanisms was to downplay appearance. Wore dark color; thought why spend money on clothes when what is on the inside counts most. Well, duh, when on the inside she feels really good about herself she shows up more beautiful on the outside and learns that the outside counts indeed! Outside reflects inside and outside influences how you feel on the inside!
May 1st, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Hello Frank,
I agree. Or at least I have experienced myself, or it has been a complaint in couples counseling, that people are getting sloppy. Shaking it up is a great idea, for may own self esteem, and when I feel proud of self care, I feel better.
I have to also admit, I got in a “frumpy” zone for awhile. My friends teased me, saying you are dressing like an old grandma! They threatened to turn me into the show “what not to wear” HAHAH..from my dear friends, I learned I was not being my best self. I am no model, and I sure don’t look like I did when my husband and I got married, but the POINT is, I agree with you. Keeping up looking special..sprucing up, helps keep how we look at one another fresh. Appearances do matter. It’s not that mean anyone has to be perfect, or have any physical issues to deal with, disfigurements, etc…and yes, true beauty is on the INSIDE, however, trying to go for a job, or going on a sepcial date, it matters. So, why let ourselves get so lazy that we dont want to look our best for ourselves..or for our partner? Complacency in all areas, I think can lead to relationship troubles. My husband loves me always, that I know. But I also want to please him, and as you said, although I dont get dressed up every day, it is nice to add random surprises…that’s my take at least.
FYI…when I do couples counseling, that has been a steady complaint for both males and females, that they have let themselves go, put no effort into their appearances, and it can be a real turn off. So, I ask them…have you been sitting around in sweats and a t shirt??? Maybe putting in exra effort helps build in some protective factors for relationships.
May 1st, 2012 at 1:53 pm
I so agree. A pleasant appearance is an esthetic experience for those who observe us, and it’s a shame when people pooh-pooh it as unimportant. I’m trying to figure out how to steer one of my clients who really wants a boyfriend but always looks messy and unkempt in the direction of better self-care. I’ve only seen her three times so far….any tips?
May 1st, 2012 at 1:54 pm
I am guilty, but I am working on it. I just dyed my own hair coal black for the first time this past Saturday and curled it myself. My husband of 9 years has complimented my hair a few times since Saturday which means he is really digging my hair. My efforts to pull it together caused much laughter too- the sink, shower, and my nails were covered in dye, but hey, it was worth it in the end. Thanks Frank.
May 2nd, 2012 at 11:12 am
Appearance matters as a therapist especially in regards to change. I recently went from my natural blonde to red/auburn hair and my clients were quite taken aback. While some did not acknowledge the change or complimented it, others were so shocked that I felt a sense of guilt for not warning them. One client said, “I feel like I’m talking to someone else” while another proclaimed, “You have to warn me about things like this!” Ultimately, I attempted to use my change in hair color as a tool for discussing change in their life as well as a lesson of spontaneity, exploration, and fun.
May 2nd, 2012 at 11:13 am
Hi Jill, Although your client would really want a boyfriend, there may be another part of
her that is ambivalent, as evidenced by her unkempt appearance. I would want to
speak to the part of her-the unkempt part-that may not feel she deserves to be
with someone.
May 2nd, 2012 at 11:14 am
I am a firm believer in polishing your brand – yourself. My husband compliments me and at times will ask me why do I work so hard at my looks. My response is that I love seeing myself look good. This gives him a smile and what I think is a sense of pride due to his comment that he has a “fine and beautiful” wife.
May 2nd, 2012 at 11:14 am
It absolutely matters. In our society people have 7 seconds to make their first impression of you. I have been in sales as well as counseling and people buy you…even in counseling. After all we want to look and be our best anyway so our clients can do the same. I find, even within our families, things are more caught than taught.
May 2nd, 2012 at 11:14 am
Alas, this is one of Frank’s few blogs I actually agree with. 100% on point.
May 2nd, 2012 at 11:14 am
You’re so right on this one 🙂 My best bet is that beauty truly is in the eye of the observer. I too am day after day looking at my wife, thinking how beautiful she is and being so thankful for that. I come through this problematic quite often with my clients, that are always on the hunt and can’t settle because they think that better might come. And I think better is coming along with what you take care of and work for.
Have a good one !
May 2nd, 2012 at 11:16 am
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. #marriagetip
May 7th, 2012 at 9:57 am
I love how Julia used her change in hair color as fodder for conversation with her clients on their experience of change, being spontaneous, exploring, and having fun!
May 7th, 2012 at 9:57 am
Appearance does matters. I believe that how we present ourselves to our clients affects their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors at the moment. I also believe that appearance speaks to what you want to convey to your clients.
May 9th, 2012 at 2:12 am
What a fun read and topic. Enjoyed the insight.